It's Not about Me

What does it mean to say that my life is not about me?? What does it mean for me to really let God's purposes drive my life? Jason and I started reading The Purpose Driven Life tonight, and those questions are raised in the first chapter.

I've always known that God had a special purpose for me, that I was "tagged" by God for some reason. I was 5 or 6 when I first had that sense. In fact, I asked Mother about that time if we were real or if we were on a stage acting for God. I had a strong sense of God's real-ness and presence even at that young age.

Then when I was in college, I spent one day meeting with a local "prayer warrior' and missionary talking about God's call on my life. I had experienced a renewed sense of being called to some form of mission work and was trying to sort out what that meant. We talked about missionary work and ministry and other options, and I thought about those things (and prayed about them too, I hope). But it was about that time that I met Leo, whom I married 3 years later, and I think I wanted him so much that I sort of ran from whatever God wanted for me. I guess I pulled a Jonah. I wanted what I wanted, and I told myself that it didn't conflict with whatever God wanted from me.

Whether I was honest with myself or not, I can't say for sure. What I do know is that after Leo died, I really was drawn into God's presence in a new way. He became so real to me, and I again felt a call to serve him with my life's work. I got involved in music ministry and then in leading worship. And then I started working on deacon's orders in the UMC. I also went to Asbury Seminary for a degree in counseling, and when I graduated, I took an assistant pastor's postition at my home church. That was satisfying, and I enjoyed much of the work, but there were also many things I was asked to do in the job that I didn't want to do. I resisted doing home visitation, blaming it on my shyness or my unfamiliarity with certain people. I know my visits were valuable for the folks I spent time with, but I really hated making most of those visits. I had 2 other ministry positions later which also required me to make those kinds of visits, and I again balked at doing that.

I hadn't put all of that together until just now--how much I disliked that element of my ministry positions. As I reflect on those jobs, I think I often idealize them and dream for "the good old days" when I was a pastor. But I don't know that I've ever been perfectly satisfied with any work I've done. I've always wanted a different type of fulfillment or a different level of happiness. I've always thought there ought to be more.

I sometimes question whether I'm supposed to be in a ministry position now, even though I know that I do ministry in my teaching. Maybe that's something this book will help me explore. How can I find contentment in my life and my work and KNOW that I'm pleasing God and meeting his purposes?